Rough Notes: GeriatricLand®

Rough Notes: GeriatricLand®

Just a few rough notes on an idea I had for a senior amusement park, tentatively called GeriatricLand® - these notes might give you an idea of how a h

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Just a few rough notes on an idea I had for a senior amusement park, tentatively called GeriatricLand® – these notes might give you an idea of how a humor writer thinks, or at least how a psychotic mind works. The idea had originally been conceived when I was bored one evening and my lady friend came over and mentioned that her mother was starting to look old. Things just naturally developed from there …


GeriatricLand® Rides:


  • Steam and Scream – scary crematorium ride
  • Hover-Round – bumper cars
  • Dragon Load – roller-coaster for diaper-wearers – sponsored by Depends®
  • Old-Tyme Cars – 1974 Dodge Darts that go 2 MPH
  • Kevorkian Mountain – “Thrill to the Kill on the Hill”
  • Crash Carts – bumper cars
  • Paraplegic Push – Kart Racing
  • Fragile Free-Fall – parachute ride
  • Viagra Lift – overhead cable cars
  • Scabie Slopes – Flying Bobs-type ride
  • Raising Cane Wheelchair Rodeo
  • Shakey Ride – robot arms shake seniors
  • Amnesia Ride – “You’ll never forget it!”
  • Remember When Roundup
  • Bounce House – vibrating rocking chairs
  • CVA (Cerebrovascular Accident) Coaster
  • Trachee Tractors – puffs of smoke come out of throat of cartoon-character tractors
  • Granny Panty Bounce House
  • Wipe Up – it’ll scare the shit out of you – sponsored by Depends®
  • Whipper Snapper – Whip-type ride, but very slow
  • Pamper Cars
  • Old Frogger – cross the street before being run over!
  • Scrambled Age – like Scrambled Eggs ride
  • ParaMed Drop (Paradrop)
  • Toe Tag (boat tag)
  • Enchanted Creaky Room
  • (Enchanted Tiki Room – Disney) – Hear a tropical serenade sung by a delightful chorus of aged birds, flowers and creaky statues. Presented by Celebrex®.
  • Crazy Cataracts – river ride with out-of-focus scenery – sponsored by LASIK®
  • Twilight Terrors – scary “fun” house
  • Typhoid Lagoon – boat ride
  • Goiter Gondolas – boat ride
  • Schizophrenic Skiing – skiing ride with two trails that keep crossing
  • Dementia Dungeon – another scary dark-house ride / fun house


Areas of the Park – much like DisneyLand and DisneyWorld are divided into multiple “Lands” or sections, GeriatricLand® will have the following separate areas –


Face-Lift Land Bowel-less in Wonderland
Confusion Land Mad Tea Party – part of Bowel-Less in Wonderland
Death Valley Never-Wetter Land
Blind Man’s Bluff Denture Land
Kevorkian Kastle Homeless Land
Medicare Manor Parkinson’s Place
Maalox Mountain Alzheimer’s Alley
Heaven and Hell Tragic Kingdom


Eating Establishments


Coff Inn – tavern for old people Prune-flavored food, creamed everything
BuSlay – mercy-killing buffet Vomit Inn – tavern
Cat-Food-in-a-Cup Denture Quencher – D5W drink
Prostate Popsicles Prosthetic Pizzeria – food
Peanut Brittle Bone – peanut brittle in the shape of various bones Saucerer’s Inn – restaurant specializing in applesauce dishes
The Liver Spot – restaurant specializing in liver dishes



  • Depends® water-balloon game
  • Kill Crane – arcade game – grab a suicidal toy
  • Bobbing for Dentures
  • Bingo
  • Hide and Go Seek – “Where am I?”
  • Pee Ball – arcade game, like Skee Ball, sponsored by Super Beta Prostate®
  • Guess Your Date of Death – a barker tries to guess your date of death
  • Constipation – game like Concentration
  • Senior Wheel of Misfortune – “I’d like to buy a bowel”


Misc. Park Features


respirators and O2 stations throughout park Osteo Acres – hotel attached to park
Changing stations, stretchers and hospital beds Braille zoo
Confessionals and priests throughout park – just in case Souvenir shops – bibs, catheters, diapers, elastic stockings
“Half-off entrance fee with IV drip” “You must be THIS awake to enter this ride”
Glaucoma Geyser Vaccination vending machines
Liver Pool – wading pool Toe-Nail Chainsaw Carving
Stuff-A-Senior workshop Rent-A-Sweater
Bald Guy Habitat (Bald guys walking around) Flash-Back Theater – only plays old movies
Injection Alley – free vaccinations Kidney Korner (Kiddie Korner)
Sleepin’ Dootie Castle LASIK® Lakes
Breakdown Ballroom


Costumed characters

To be continued …


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