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If Mickey Spillane Had Written the Bible

Mickey Spillane was a noted Brooklyn-born author of hard-core crime novels, his most famous character perhaps being Mike Hammer. His blood-and-guts approach to the genre was unique and his characters dialogue street-wise and guttural.


Imagine if he had written the Bible?


After all, this is a guy who once said “If I need something, I’ll invent it” – that sounds like it’s right up the Bible Parody alley …


Here are a few random quotes from the Mickey Spillane Bible …


“He’d done it all. He’d created the Earth and the Heavens and the Fish and the Fowl, so he figured what the hell – time for a nip from the office bottle. “


“The mug looked like trouble – about six-feet tall with long, dirty hair, sandals and some kind of wacky bath-robe. He looked like one of the diamond merchants from 46th Street, but I wasn’t gonna’ give him no breaks on account of it.”


“My name is Mary, and I’m a virgin” she whispered, her long lashes batting over doe-eyes and a come-hither look on her face. I’d known skirts like her before, and it never turned out good …”


“Yeah, he was a sinner – a major-league sinner – but I still liked the rube. “


“I went into the temple on the balls of my feet, ready for anything. And that’s just what came at me from the smoke-filled darkness, but I wasn’t gonna’ let these clowns tell me what to do. I punched one guy in the mouth, teeth flying out, then kicked him in the ribs for mumbling. My gat spoke once, twice, flames licking out the barrel, until finally all the filthy money-lenders were dead as yesterday’s headlines.”


“I had pulled at the bottle for too long. I woke up after a three-day bender, my head jack-hammering out a nasty beat and a filthy taste in my mouth. I took a slug of bourbon to wash away the taste, tried to straighten my tie and pushed open the door … standing around in black clothing, as if someone had just died, were a bunch of nasty-looking mugs and dames … they cheered when they saw me, like it was a damned miracle or something.”


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