The Evil Fornicator’s Compendium

In order to guide the fledgling Evil Fornicator in their quest for…well, for evil fornication, this Compendium has been created as a handbook of “do and don’t”. Feel free to add your own wisdom to this hopefully ever-growing tome.

THE EVIL FORNICATOR’S COMPENDIUM

 

  1. Thou shalt fornicate whenever possible.

     The days fly by as you get older. Sure, when you’re 18 the future stretches out in front of you, with all possible paths hidden from sight. But as you get older the future gets closer, and you begin to have a deeper appreciation of time and its fleeting nature. Take advantage of time and fornicate whenever possible.

 

  1. Thou shalt NOT not-fornicate when presented with an opportunity to do so.

As a corollary to Rule #1, do not NOT fornicate when you have the chance. So may times there will be something else on your mind – being 3 months behind on the rent, thinking about that weird rash on your thigh, wondering if your partner’s spouse is even now creeping up the fire escape with a shotgun. These are trivial concerns compared to fornicating.
So do not NOT fornicate whenever possible.
  1. Guilt shall be totally absent from thy fornications.

So many people are raised with the concept of guilt. Guilt is the destroyer of relationships. Have no guilt as you fornicate, nor before or after. Recognize fornications for the beautiful act that it is and leave the guilt to the minions of the church.
  1. Thou shalt defend thyself from righteous crusaders.

creepy-real-photo-nun-glowing-eyesSpeaking of guilt … you will find, at some point in your fornications, that you will start to attract those who express their negative opinions loudly and often – these are the righteous crusaders. They want to let you know, in no uncertain terms, that your fornications are wrong, sinfully wrong, and that you should stop what you’re doing immediately and come back into the fold.
Ignore these crusaders; if they keep coming after you, you have the inalienable right to defend yourself, with as much force as legally allowed. In the case of Born-Agains and Baptists, this means deadly force IS authorized.
  1. Thy rod, it comforts thee.

Look, I don’t really care if you’re straight, gay, bi-, transgendered, transmissioned or any of the other current flavors of sexuality. Everyone has to agree that a good rod is hard to find, and a hard rod is good to find. It’s just the way nature has set things up. In fact, there should be an amusement park called RodLand that celebrates the mighty male mountain.
But I digress.
As a male, I appreciate the comfort that my rod brings me. It’s a nice feeling. Everyone should experience it at least once in their lives.
  1. Have thee fun!

This is perhaps the most important rule. Have fun! Geeze, people – between the guilt and the crusaders and your laughable fears, you’ve practically frozen yourselves in place, missing out on life’s greatest joy – fornication. Have at it, with gusto and a smile on your face.

Happy April Fool’s Day!!!

 monkey

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