And Here’s To You, Mrs. Fabien

 

My inbox’s daily contents are, as I suspect are many online denizens’, a mix of approximately 5% important / relevant mail and 95% spam. Yet it seems to so often be the case that this very spam is supremely entertaining, at least to a high-functioning sociopath such as myself.

I know my life must appear pathetic, if I’m getting my jollies from spam. Hey, what’s so special about YOUR life, huh? You’re reading THIS, aren’t you?

On to the story … Mrs. Fabien from GUINEE (that’s how she spells it, anyway) contacted me with a sad story, one that is seemingly becoming all too common on the ‘Net – her husband died (actually was killed by her family), she’s been given 8 months to live and they have no children. She’s looking for a God-fearing person upon whom she will bestow $4.5 million. Here’s her letter to me, along with the responses that I sent …

Hello Dear.
I have a proposal for you, this however is not mandatory nor will I in any manner compel you to honor against your will. Your profile pushed me to send you this mail.

By the second word of this letter my Spidey Sense is tingling – no one that really knows me would ever call me “Dear”. While I am am relieved that I am not honor-bound to participate, I’m left wondering exactly which of my profiles she is referring to that “pushed” her. I hope it wasn’t the one on ChristianMingle.com, “SpawnofSatan69” – it sounds like something he would do …

I am Mrs. Eilisea Fabien. I am married to Mr. Fabien Zarif from Solomon Islands who worked with Solomon Islands Embassy in GUINEE for nine years before he died in the year 2010.we were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $4.5 Million in a bank in Africa.

What are the odds that HER last name was the same as HIS first name, huh? Must have been a match made in Heaven.

I’m still trying to figure out where GUINEE is – could she be referring to Papua New Guinea? Or Guinea in Africa?

My condolences on your spouse’s death, especially after being sick for only 4 days – that sounds a bit suspicious.

The last paragraph is a cornucopia of information – religious beliefs, family planning info and full-disclosure financials. Wow.

Recently my Doctor gave me a very bad news which is very disturbing To my ears he told me that I would not last for the next Eight months due to cancer problem. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church, organization or good person that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct here in. I want a Church organization or good person that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavor that the house of God is maintained.

Again, my condolences on your prognosis – did you get a second or even third opinion? I’m afraid that if I were to come into possession of $4.5 million I would spend it on strippers, booze and illegal drugs. This fact alone probably should disqualify me from your search.

l took this decision because I don’t have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians not even good at all because they are the one that killed my husband in other to have all my late husband properties and I don’t want my husband’s efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don’t want a situation where this money will be used in an
ungodly way.

This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence I know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that “the lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace, I don’t need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband’s relatives around me always. I don’t want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible.

So the in-laws are a bloodthirsty bunch, huh? Well, it wouldn’t be the first time in history …

So I shouldn’t call you on the phone because hubby’s family is lurking around? Have you looked into getting a PFA on these jokers? They sound like a nasty bunch of vultures.

With God all things may be possible, but with a Colt .45 all things are much more probable – just something to meditate upon …

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank in Africa. I will also issue you an authority letter that will prove you the present beneficiary of this fund. I want you and the church or the organization to always pray for me because the lord is my shepherd.

My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that Wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Please any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church, organization or good person for this same purpose.

Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated here in.

Thanks and Remain blessed in the Lord.
Mrs. Eilisea Fabien

I’m afraid I will have to delay, thus forcing you to source another church, organization or good person. I wish you luck (or divine guidance) in finding the right sucker, and may the Lord do to you what you’ve done to others.

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